letters to slimmy, chapter 43

aw 9 mos. slim.  shame on me.  well, for what it's worth, you've been on my mind quite a bit.  the fact that i see your face everywhere i turn is a contributing factor.  here we go again, slim.  all those long buried fears and demons have come alive threefold.  am i a better person for having gone through this shit before?  i guess this is a test.  i'm angry, sad, hurt, insulted and bitter.  very bitter.  bitter is not me, slim! the love and light in my heart competes with sorrow and darkness, duking it out for my full attention.  i'm torn, slimmy.  part of me feels helpless, part of me stands strong.  rather than one overtaking the other i hover in the crevice between, fighting for breath.  alone.  does anyone hear me, slim?  i'm roaring yet silent.

letters to slimmy, chapter 42

feeling a bit sentimental lately, Slimmy. i  celebrated your forty ninth in silence, careful not to let the anguish show through. i'm getting pretty good at that you know ~ suppressing the negative to focus on the positive. i often reminisce about the happy times now, leaving the tumultuous past behind. you appear in my dreams, calming the chaos. i still need you, Slim. i need to know you still love me.

letters to slimmy, chapter 41

they've picked up where you left off.  so much for feeling free.

letters to slimmy, chapter 40

rrrrrr Slim, this is not good man. not good.  how do i?.....what if i?.....should or shouldn't i?......  i'm stretched top to bottom, from head to heart and back again.  it feels right, i have reservations....it doesn't feel right, i don't have reservations....constant back and forth....it is, it isn't......what the fuck does it mean?  acceptance, then reservations.  and oh hot damn the memories.  that feeling.  you know.  yeah, about patience and all that....

letters to slimmy, chapter 39

hey!  how about last night?  this morning, rather.  it was so casual, comfortable, safe ... just like before.  i rose with a full and joyous heart, fond memories flooding my brain, my lips curled and quivered ... just like before.  it was wonderful, Slim, and so real.  i was thinking of how i see you in certain people...like at the baseball game, and in the bar.  i now wonder (hope, actually) those are my angels, which means i'm still your girl, which stuffs my heart with happy!  everything has a way of working itself out.  i've heard that in my dreams, when i was awake, i think even in a movie...that could actually be where i got it from... but it's true.  you know i gave up on that, right?  realized it is time to close that door.  but it's all good...let another open.  i think last night, this morning rather, was a sign and i'll gladly take it. i understand what you're telling me.  later.

love, j

letters to slimmy, chapter 38

oh where to begin, my man?  things are still a-changin' but they've taken unexpected twists and turns, once again leaving me reeling.  in line with my new mindset i told you about last time, i'm coping with it quite well....lots better than previously.  thank zen for that.  ha!  i've been dealing with the physical impairment for months, only to have it get progressively worse.  treatment course(s) are ineffective, and pain has become the norm.  i am absolutely, positively terrified.  will speak with doc2 soon to discuss options.... if only you were there with me...holding my hand, rubbing my back, massaging my neck...you know, like you used to.  i miss that support, need it, want it, but accept i can't have it.  

so that's just one thing....let's move on to my heart and passion.  i'm wrangling with decision-making....do i hang on, push forward, refuse to give up, or do i say fuck it?  i'm running out of time with regards to this, could you send me down a sign?...cuz that would be swell.  it's embarrassing, Slim.  i am so, so ashamed.  how does one fail at that which one gives their heart and soul?

thanks for being here for me, Slim.  i value this time we spend together.

love, j

letters to slimmy, chapter 37

whoa, 6 months, Slim!!  shame on me for taking so long to fill you in.  well as you can see things round here are a changin'.  the new year has brought new ideas and a fresh perspective.  out with the old way of thinking, of living, of being.  i'm looking up and moving on.  i'm 'living in the moment' my dear man.  (soft quotes for emphasis)  that does not mean i will be without struggle...there's always struggle...but i'm applying a different reaction to struggle...adopting a this-too-shall-pass outlook.  everything happens for a reason, right?  no more worrying about the past or what's to come, live for right now.  this moment.  not yesterday and not tomorrow.  look ahead, sure, but be present in the moment.  learn from experiences and mistakes....i read today that there is a lesson in everything.  so very true if you really think about it.  i've been enjoying purposely appointed solitude which is really enhancing this new mindset.  {big smile}

so, Slim, i told you about magoo did i not?  that whole situation has taken a huge toll on me.  ooooh talk about heartbreak, Slimmy.  i'm moving through to acceptance now, it sure is bittersweet.  it feels right, you know the timing and all, but the yearning makes me ache.  it's part of the past, where it must be left, and i've let go of that future since there really wasn't one in the first place.  but the memories that are so real and so tangible are worth hanging on to.  it's what i value so much about the brief time i got to make them.  {big tears}

and now on to the mirror.  hostile, volatile, thunderous.  and gone, at least for now.  the reason i believe it's time to turn my thinking around.  no more fueling the fire, heck no more even sparking it.  choosing battles wisely.  knowing when silence speaks the loudest.  give off light to counteract the dark.  meditate on it.  and when it's over, leave it in the past.  another heartbreak, Slim.  this one deeper than any others.  guilt, shame, humiliation...i feel them all.  it pisses me off yet inspires me to be stronger, think healthier, and live lighter.  told you things are changin'.  {smile}

love,
j