letters to slimmy, chapter 43

aw 9 mos. slim.  shame on me.  well, for what it's worth, you've been on my mind quite a bit.  the fact that i see your face everywhere i turn is a contributing factor.  here we go again, slim.  all those long buried fears and demons have come alive threefold.  am i a better person for having gone through this shit before?  i guess this is a test.  i'm angry, sad, hurt, insulted and bitter.  very bitter.  bitter is not me, slim! the love and light in my heart competes with sorrow and darkness, duking it out for my full attention.  i'm torn, slimmy.  part of me feels helpless, part of me stands strong.  rather than one overtaking the other i hover in the crevice between, fighting for breath.  alone.  does anyone hear me, slim?  i'm roaring yet silent.

letters to slimmy, chapter 42

feeling a bit sentimental lately, Slimmy. i  celebrated your forty ninth in silence, careful not to let the anguish show through. i'm getting pretty good at that you know ~ suppressing the negative to focus on the positive. i often reminisce about the happy times now, leaving the tumultuous past behind. you appear in my dreams, calming the chaos. i still need you, Slim. i need to know you still love me.

letters to slimmy, chapter 41

they've picked up where you left off.  so much for feeling free.

letters to slimmy, chapter 40

rrrrrr Slim, this is not good man. not good.  how do i?.....what if i?.....should or shouldn't i?......  i'm stretched top to bottom, from head to heart and back again.  it feels right, i have reservations....it doesn't feel right, i don't have reservations....constant back and forth....it is, it isn't......what the fuck does it mean?  acceptance, then reservations.  and oh hot damn the memories.  that feeling.  you know.  yeah, about patience and all that....

letters to slimmy, chapter 39

hey!  how about last night?  this morning, rather.  it was so casual, comfortable, safe ... just like before.  i rose with a full and joyous heart, fond memories flooding my brain, my lips curled and quivered ... just like before.  it was wonderful, Slim, and so real.  i was thinking of how i see you in certain people...like at the baseball game, and in the bar.  i now wonder (hope, actually) those are my angels, which means i'm still your girl, which stuffs my heart with happy!  everything has a way of working itself out.  i've heard that in my dreams, when i was awake, i think even in a movie...that could actually be where i got it from... but it's true.  you know i gave up on that, right?  realized it is time to close that door.  but it's all good...let another open.  i think last night, this morning rather, was a sign and i'll gladly take it. i understand what you're telling me.  later.

love, j

letters to slimmy, chapter 38

oh where to begin, my man?  things are still a-changin' but they've taken unexpected twists and turns, once again leaving me reeling.  in line with my new mindset i told you about last time, i'm coping with it quite well....lots better than previously.  thank zen for that.  ha!  i've been dealing with the physical impairment for months, only to have it get progressively worse.  treatment course(s) are ineffective, and pain has become the norm.  i am absolutely, positively terrified.  will speak with doc2 soon to discuss options.... if only you were there with me...holding my hand, rubbing my back, massaging my neck...you know, like you used to.  i miss that support, need it, want it, but accept i can't have it.  

so that's just one thing....let's move on to my heart and passion.  i'm wrangling with decision-making....do i hang on, push forward, refuse to give up, or do i say fuck it?  i'm running out of time with regards to this, could you send me down a sign?...cuz that would be swell.  it's embarrassing, Slim.  i am so, so ashamed.  how does one fail at that which one gives their heart and soul?

thanks for being here for me, Slim.  i value this time we spend together.

love, j

letters to slimmy, chapter 37

whoa, 6 months, Slim!!  shame on me for taking so long to fill you in.  well as you can see things round here are a changin'.  the new year has brought new ideas and a fresh perspective.  out with the old way of thinking, of living, of being.  i'm looking up and moving on.  i'm 'living in the moment' my dear man.  (soft quotes for emphasis)  that does not mean i will be without struggle...there's always struggle...but i'm applying a different reaction to struggle...adopting a this-too-shall-pass outlook.  everything happens for a reason, right?  no more worrying about the past or what's to come, live for right now.  this moment.  not yesterday and not tomorrow.  look ahead, sure, but be present in the moment.  learn from experiences and mistakes....i read today that there is a lesson in everything.  so very true if you really think about it.  i've been enjoying purposely appointed solitude which is really enhancing this new mindset.  {big smile}

so, Slim, i told you about magoo did i not?  that whole situation has taken a huge toll on me.  ooooh talk about heartbreak, Slimmy.  i'm moving through to acceptance now, it sure is bittersweet.  it feels right, you know the timing and all, but the yearning makes me ache.  it's part of the past, where it must be left, and i've let go of that future since there really wasn't one in the first place.  but the memories that are so real and so tangible are worth hanging on to.  it's what i value so much about the brief time i got to make them.  {big tears}

and now on to the mirror.  hostile, volatile, thunderous.  and gone, at least for now.  the reason i believe it's time to turn my thinking around.  no more fueling the fire, heck no more even sparking it.  choosing battles wisely.  knowing when silence speaks the loudest.  give off light to counteract the dark.  meditate on it.  and when it's over, leave it in the past.  another heartbreak, Slim.  this one deeper than any others.  guilt, shame, humiliation...i feel them all.  it pisses me off yet inspires me to be stronger, think healthier, and live lighter.  told you things are changin'.  {smile}

love,
j

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 36

hey slimmy. i've been mulling over various thoughts and emotions running through me and i'm feeling a bit conflicted. hear me out. there's this thing that, on one hand is a total turnoff, but on the other hand i find oddly intriguing. my brain doesn't know which way to turn. this is unusual for me...i've never really hung on the fence with this stuff before. that in itself is also oddly intriguing. remember how stubborn i was? i'm getting soft, slim. anyway, there's this push-pull force at play that causes breakouts of other issues. a bit complex to say the least, which also intrigues me! i like to keep things simple, so why do i feel as if my adoration is misplaced in a sense? and why do i really not care? ha! something's opening, slim. love, j

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 35

whoa, long time no talk Slimmy! i've gone through ups and downs, more downs than ups, but i emerged with a plan. going forth on a journey with no set direction in mind. wherever the road leads me, and all that jazz. anyway, i've been feeling much better by way of my own methods of therapy, which are helping immensely, and i will be adding more methods forthwith. (forthwith. heh heh.) you know my situation right, Slim? well i'm just biding my time, putting a plan into motion, taking things as they come day by day. that's all i can do, you know. i noticed i'm much more thoughtful, and dare i say a bit more hopeful, than usual. however, i still have my transgressions. but i'm working on it, Slim, i'm working on it. i feel a little more relaxed and cautiously optimistic if you will. i've emptied my soul of past hurts...well, at least a lot of it leaked out...and i feel a lot lighter. there wull always be storm clouds hovering above, but i must remember the old saying 'this too shall pass.' and they will pass, and i will watch as they float on by, and be grateful for their provocative nature.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 34

hey slim. what a day i've had. it's been a day filled with freak outs. i'm freaking out about this, freaking out about that. i'm freaking out, man. but whatever. i'm tired, and i'm giving my freak outs away. i can't handle them anymore. other than that, things have been busy. did you notice how creative i've been? this would've burned you, i'm sure, but i have no worries about that now. in the past, baby. i'm doing me now. haha.

so i've been having all these weird dreams with you in them. some are very vivid, light last night's, others are vague and fleeting. they make no sense as far as i can conclude. but i guess if i go back and really think about it i might see clues to my subsconcious. don't know.

anyway, they're the same with you-know-who being a you-know-what. is this supposed to make me stronger? are there clues there, too? i'm trying to stop and listen...there's got to be a message here somewhere. i'll keep listening.

see ya later.

love,
j

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 33

hey. just a quick note before i head off to sleep. my heart's broken.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 32

oh slimmy. why do i wait so long to pour my heart out at your feet? you know those struggles i've been through? well i'm going through the same struggles again, this time with the other one. not as often but just as intense. it's tiring, slim. i am so, so tired. i feel beat up, beat down, and beat out. a constant losing battle. can't a girl get a break for fuck's sake? i want peace, i seek it, yet can never seem to grasp it. i keep pushing on but fear that i'll blindly push too hard and go freefalling downward. what to do? seek refuge in my work? my thoughts and emotions? or other unsavory choices? the path you chose seems awfully tempting at this turn, but i recoil at the possible dangerous end result of that. motherfuck, slim.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 31

hey slim. i'm in love. again. and i'm not sure how i feel about it. i questioned whether it was real or maybe i was just imagining it since i've been so lonely but, nope, i'm definitely in love. am i happy? not sure. i'm glad that i'm able to feel again, but don't know if it's the right thing to be doing. it's definitely unrequited, so maybe that's why i'm questioning it. i don't know slim, i'm just so tired of feeling this way. help me please. love, me

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 30

i'm at the end of my rope, slim, and my hands are slipping. the struggle to hang on is too great. who will catch me if i fall?

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 29

well, slim, that happiness i was a feeling not long ago has subsided once again. i'm not doing too good anymore. as expected, things have taken a turn for the worst and the downward spiral has picked up speed. it's a very different state of mind this time, nothing i've ever felt before. it's seriously scaring me, slim.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 28

Hey slim,

Lightbulbs were going off in my head today like fireworks lighting up the night sky. epiphany central, i'm telling you. i learned a lot about myself and i must say it's quite an eye opener. hell, i'm more complex than i thought. which is fascinating, considering i haven't felt this real and wide open in a very long time. it's a good thing! maybe now i can break down those bricks, huh? there's a new freedom to be had, and i quite like it. like riding on a real nice high. the demons are still there, i can see them pretty clearly now though, rather than through clouded eyes. i think my heart sang a little today, too!

love,
J

p.s. marty's teaching me to play johnny cash on the guitar!

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 27

Hey Slim,

Man am I feeling blah. Blase skippy! I know that's out of context, but so what. You see what's been going on, right? What a clusterfuck if there ever was one. Is he coming, or am I going? Is he turning into him, and is he EVER going to straighten out? Am I Seraphine? All these unanswered questions have my head spinning. It's too heavy a burden to bear.

I can't talk right now. It's just too much.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 26

Hi. Ok, so this is what I want to say:

9:41p
"softening the blow? you're trying to figure out a way to let me down easy, aren't you? whether you let someone down easy or not, you still let them down. i'm heartbroken. i know i'm not good enough for you yet i still want to pretend that maybe, just maybe, i am. so i keep saying i want out, then come running back. you give me fleeting glimpses of what could be, then snatch it away. you keep my heart on a string and dangle it in front of me like a fucking carrot. tease, retreat, tease, retreat. repeat often. i love you, dammit. and you don't even like me. those words are like salt in the wound. time to stitch that baby up."

It's a harsh ending, no? I get angry and go off on a tangent! Should rein that in, huh? I'll rework it and be back. :)


10:27p
I've reworked it and came up with this: "goodbye."

:(

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 25

Hey,

It's a new day, and I have a new attitude, Slim. For the first time in a long time I feel better. I don't feel great necessarily, but I'm not as down as I've been. Chalk it up to exercise, solitude, and meditation. I've become a bit more outspoken too, which really lifts my spirit. I've adopted this "No, I won't shut the fuck up" attitude, thank you very much. It's so liberating! Creativity has surged, and motivation is kicking up. I'm constantly inspired...it's just pure joy. Wish you could share this with me. Oh wait, you already are.

Love,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 24

Hey Slim. I'm now two months into a brand new year, but it hardly seems like a new beginning for me. It's just the same old stuff over and over again. Time passes like a ride on a rollercoaster, with one day filled with nothing but 'up,' and the next completely 'down.' I'm so, so tired of this, Slimmy. I've got myself wrapped up in a slew of different projects just to avoid sitting idle and dwelling on what was, what wasn't, what is, what isn't, and what the hell is going to come. I long for the opportunity to let it all out, but without an open set of ears to oblige me I fall silent, holding it deep within my conscience. Slumber brings wishes and desires from my subconscious, and then the light of day hits with a desperate realization. If only my mind could go numb.