Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 25

Hey,

It's a new day, and I have a new attitude, Slim. For the first time in a long time I feel better. I don't feel great necessarily, but I'm not as down as I've been. Chalk it up to exercise, solitude, and meditation. I've become a bit more outspoken too, which really lifts my spirit. I've adopted this "No, I won't shut the fuck up" attitude, thank you very much. It's so liberating! Creativity has surged, and motivation is kicking up. I'm constantly inspired...it's just pure joy. Wish you could share this with me. Oh wait, you already are.

Love,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 24

Hey Slim. I'm now two months into a brand new year, but it hardly seems like a new beginning for me. It's just the same old stuff over and over again. Time passes like a ride on a rollercoaster, with one day filled with nothing but 'up,' and the next completely 'down.' I'm so, so tired of this, Slimmy. I've got myself wrapped up in a slew of different projects just to avoid sitting idle and dwelling on what was, what wasn't, what is, what isn't, and what the hell is going to come. I long for the opportunity to let it all out, but without an open set of ears to oblige me I fall silent, holding it deep within my conscience. Slumber brings wishes and desires from my subconscious, and then the light of day hits with a desperate realization. If only my mind could go numb.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 23

Merry Christmas, Slim. Today marks 8 years. Doesn't seem that long, does it? I'm extremely emotional today. Tears well up and fall as if on cue. My mind is racing a mile a minute and I can't think straight. I want to be alone, but must endure their presence. I will try to keep busy to get me through. Wish me luck. I love you.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 22

Hi Slim,

Well, so much for keeping up with my writing. Lately I'm a warrior fighting many, many battles. A one-woman army if you will. And I'm getting hit from all sides. It's exhausting and I'm thisclose to raising the white flag in surrender. But will I? You know, Slim, I keep getting told what a "strong" woman I am considering all that I've been through. Oh, if those people only knew the half of it. But one thing's for sure and that is I don't feel so strong. I may appear strong on the outside, but inside my spirit is broken and my will is waning. ("Where it's at! I got 2 turntables and a microphone".....thank the heavens for Beck. hehe) As I was saying, I feel increasingly weak day by day. I'll be nothing more than an empty shell pretty soon! Ugh, I don't know Slim. What's to become of me, hmmm? I push on and on and on...and speaking of which I need to get back to my orders (biz is really picking up thanks to him). I guess being busy pushes that white flag further down.

I miss you, Slim. But then again, I don't.

J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 21

Hey Slim,

I know I’ve been pretty lax in writing to you regularly. Sorry about that. Things have been pretty busy lately, not to mention stressful. I wanted to tell you about this house I visited last night. You saw it, didn’t you? It’s so beautiful, filled with cushy furniture, kitschy knick knacks, well-read books, thriving plants, photos galore…you name it, it was in this house! It wasn’t too far from the home we once shared. Actually, it was just around the corner. I couldn’t help feeling pangs of envy as I walked through, feeling the love and comfort flowing from room to room. It’s the kind of home where you feel welcome and comfortable from the moment you walk through the door. Even the four legged occupants of the home welcomed me with excited barking and slobbery kisses. There was such a wonderful feeling of peace that came over me as I sat at the kitchen table just chatting away. I don’t know if it was the warm color palette used on everything from the walls to the furniture to the rugs, or if it was just from simply being in a house that someone very lovingly turned into a home. Whatever it was, it was inspiring. You know, Slim, I still haven’t forgiven myself for failing to turn our house into a home. It was what you wanted from me and what I wanted from myself and I let us both down. I wish I could go back in time and make things right. I would make that house an oasis of comfort, one in which you would feel most loved and never want to leave. But it’s too late for that now, huh? I’m so, so sorry.

Love,
J

Dear G

I thought of you today, but that is nothing new.

I thought about you yesterday and days before that, too.

I think of you in silence. I sometimes speak your name.

All I have are my memories, no more picture in a frame.

Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part.

I’ll never have you in my arms but I’ll always have you in my heart.



Baby, I’ll always love you.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 20

Three strikes, Slim, and I’m out. I got the bad news recently: things are “winding down.” You know what that means, don’t you? I lost…again…for the third and last time. There’s no point in holding on any more. Any kind of future full of hope and promise and happiness and joy is gone. Tears have permanently replaced smiles and laughter, and I’ve locked up my heart nice and tight, never to open it again. It seems I’d been right all along. I kept trying to convince myself what I was feeling was fear and panic and paranoia. That it was all in my head…just my imagination playing tricks on me. But it’s so much more than that, Slim, it’s reality coming to slap me upside the head and purge my subconscious from any delusions of things turning around. So I’m embracing reality. Fuck it, no more pretending. It is what it is and I just have to accept it. Easier said than done, I know, but what choice do I really have?