Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 13

Happy 45th Birthday Slim!

Ever since that fateful day almost seven years ago, your birthday has been bittersweet for me. Today always marks the start of "The Stretch," that period of time from now through New Year's Day when a barrage of emotions courses through me like bullets, one after the other, leaving gaping holes in my soul. From happiness to sadness to anger to resentment to loneliness. And of course there's the guilt. The guilt of knowing I was never enough of a wife, a mother, a woman. I will feel the full impact of all these emotions for the next several months. Through the holidays which I will undoubtedly spend alone, again, until New Year's Day when I will once again resolve to put my life in perspective.

The Stretch has been killing me slowly, Slim. It steals a little more breath from my life each year. This time I promised myself that your birthday would be just that: the day that celebrates your birth and nothing more. I promised myself I would not let it be the beginning of a four month crying jag but a twenty four hour period where I will keep you in my thoughts with only the good memories. Yeah, right. I woke up this morning feeling as if I'd been hit by a truck. How can the pain still feel so fresh and new after all these years? It's never going to get any easier will it, Slim? No, probably not. So this year instead of fighting it I'm giving in to The Stretch. Embracing it, if you will. I'm going to allow myself to feel each and every one of those emotions and, as usual, I'm going to do it all alone. Will I emerge stronger on January 2? Probably not. But I hope I will at least feel a little better.

I Will Always Love You.

J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 8

My dear Slim,

I've taken on a new project. One that I've never, ever considered taking on before, and one that I never discuss with anyone. You know what I'm talking about don't you, Slim? It's THE story. The one I've hidden deep down inside of me all these years. The one that's left me permanently scarred. The one that shattered my heart, my spirit, my world. The one I still have not recovered from. That's right my man, I'm telling that story for everyone to hear. I'm terrified and excited at the same time. I figure that maybe if I open up about it, let it all out, I can finally find some closure. After all it is still an open wound, still seeping blood, still breeding infection. Maybe telling the story out loud will be like sutures closing that wound, finally allowing it to heal. What do you think, Slimmy? I'm about to tell the whole wide world about the pain and suffering, the heartache and misery, the death and destruction. Will it rip through your cold heart to hear me tell it the way it will rip through my soul? I know this is something I need to do. In fact, I should've done it a long time ago. I'm still scared, Slim, but I've always been scared. That's nothing new.

Love,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 5

Alright, Slim, for the moment I'm going to let down my guard and engage in a little heart-to-heart with you. Now don't go getting your pearly white shorts all in a twist about it as my nostalgic mindset is only temporary. Oftentimes I daydream about those long weekends we spent holed up doing absolutely nothing but laying about in front of the television, watching rerun after rerun. Do you remember those weekends, Slim? Those were the good old days, huh? When you thought of me as your best lady who you could turn to when you needed to retreat from the chaos of that hard-knock life you so loved to live? Ah, what I wouldn't give to be that lady again. I know I could never be your lady again, but is it so far-fetched of me to think someone else could think of me that way? I was so good to you back then...waiting on you hand and foot, fulfilling your every need. I miss that, Slim. I miss loving and caring for someone so much that I didn't think twice when I was asked for something, no matter how trivial the request. It was pure pleasure to be at your disposal. I need to be needed like that again, Slim. To feel like there's a purpose somewhere in the midst of all this confusion. To know that somewhere, someone needs me. They need the warmth of my body next to theirs in order to feel safe. Just as you needed mine and I needed yours. Do you think that's a possibility for me, Slim, or am I just holding on to a ghost from a dream?

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 4

What's up, Slim? I know it's been awhile, but alot has been going on. Your beloved was hospitalized a few months ago....I can only imagine your heartache in seeing his little body lie helpless in that hospital bed. And I did a three day stint in the hospital myself a couple weeks ago. It seems your wish came full circle, huh? They did me in, Slim. They got the better of me...pushing me to the edge, letting me dangle there awhile, and then watched me all wide-eyed and giddy as I plunged deep into the abyss. It's not like I didn't warn them it would happen. I assume the goal was to imprison me further. Unfortunately for them, and for you, it enabled me to finally break free. Oh sure, the disdain is still apparent it's almost as if I inhale it with every breath. And I've learned to live with that. But I negotiated the barrier, Slimmy. I escaped the dungeon you made for me, trapping my heart and mind, and I freed my soul. The only one in control now is me, myself and I. Not you. Not them. Just the one with the power to achieve. It burns, doesn't it, Slim?

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 3

Hey Slim. Let's talk about your boy tonight. He's smart as a whip, that one. Can't put nothing past him. He's slippery and sly, and you know he inherited that from you. Putting his own little spin on every story he spews. He really knows how to turn the tables. Or so he thinks. What he doesn't realize, as you didn't, is that I'm alot smarter than he gives me credit for. I keep telling him over and over that the biggest mistake he can make is to underestimate me. Yet he still does every single time. You know something Slim, it's different this time. A young mind is at the center of controversy here and though still a challenge in its own right, the intense fear is absent. That's not to say I'm not anxious about what tomorrow brings, but I'm fighting this battle a bit more calmly this time around. I will always be in control this time, and I will use that control to twist and bend him into what he should be. You know what that is, right Slimmy? Kind. Respectful. Trusting. Honest. Rather than rude, disrespectful, gullible and sneaky. It's a daunting task considering he's so naive, just like you were. There's this distorted perception of reality, choosing to believe evil trumps good. But that's a learned behavior, and one that can be reversed. You taught him evil. I'll teach him the consequences of that evil. What goes around comes around, my man. You of all souls should know that.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 2

Hey Slim,

This chapter won't make you weep, Slim....just the opposite. You'll be happy to know that your dying wish came true. Do you remember what you said to me that night in your fit of rage? Well, the Master granted your wish and brought your words to reality in a big, big way. Driving me "nuts" was putting it mildly my dear man. Each and every day is a struggle where my patience is pushed so far to the limit that I teeter precariously on the brink of total insanity. How I am able to push on through it all is a sheer mystery to me. It's way more than I can bear, Slim, and it's a miracle I'm still around to tell about it. Oftentimes I wonder why it was you instead of me that had to go. What did I do to deserve this? Why oh why was I chosen to endure the sorrow, the heartache, the misery? In my mind's eye I see you, jumping up and down with utter glee over the fact that he's picked up where you left off. Does it warm your cold heart, Slimmy, knowing your disdain lives on, continuing to cause so much pain that it numbs my soul? Is that your laughter I hear in the faraway rumble of thunder? Are you happy over there knowing that I'm here living in the personal prison you so painstakingly built for me all those years ago? One day I'll break free, Slim, and I'll know the sweet peace your world brings.

Stay tuned, my love. I have so much more to say to you.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 1

My dearest Slimmy,

I dreamt of you last night. A rather disturbing dream, as all dreams of you have been lately. I was about to leave you, walk away forever, when I turned back around, looked you dead in the eye and said "Fight for me." More than anything I wanted you to fight to keep me around so that I could love you and care for you always. You meant the world to me, Slim. I would've hung the moon or moved mountains if you asked me to. Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight, Slim, and I was worth having so you should have fought and fought hard. I was always yours to win, you knew that, yet you never saw me for what I was worth. The one who sat quietly on the side in front of others, but in private lavished you with more love than even I realized I was capable of. You were worth it to me, so why was it so hard for you to reciprocate? All those years ago I gave myself completely to you and you chewed me up and spit me out but I put myself back together, my spirit broken and bruised, and gave myself to you over and over again. I saw more in you than you saw in yourself. A woman like that is a rare find, Slim, and now you'll never find it again. Lost forever is your chance to be loved.

There's many more chapters to this saga, my dear, so sit back and relax in your other world and get ready to read them and weep. Weep for what could have been, and what I pray will one day be mine again.

With all my love.....