Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 13

Happy 45th Birthday Slim!

Ever since that fateful day almost seven years ago, your birthday has been bittersweet for me. Today always marks the start of "The Stretch," that period of time from now through New Year's Day when a barrage of emotions courses through me like bullets, one after the other, leaving gaping holes in my soul. From happiness to sadness to anger to resentment to loneliness. And of course there's the guilt. The guilt of knowing I was never enough of a wife, a mother, a woman. I will feel the full impact of all these emotions for the next several months. Through the holidays which I will undoubtedly spend alone, again, until New Year's Day when I will once again resolve to put my life in perspective.

The Stretch has been killing me slowly, Slim. It steals a little more breath from my life each year. This time I promised myself that your birthday would be just that: the day that celebrates your birth and nothing more. I promised myself I would not let it be the beginning of a four month crying jag but a twenty four hour period where I will keep you in my thoughts with only the good memories. Yeah, right. I woke up this morning feeling as if I'd been hit by a truck. How can the pain still feel so fresh and new after all these years? It's never going to get any easier will it, Slim? No, probably not. So this year instead of fighting it I'm giving in to The Stretch. Embracing it, if you will. I'm going to allow myself to feel each and every one of those emotions and, as usual, I'm going to do it all alone. Will I emerge stronger on January 2? Probably not. But I hope I will at least feel a little better.

I Will Always Love You.

J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 12

Dear Slim,

I'm feeling so lost right now and don't know where to turn. I'm losing interest in the things I love most and can't find the motivation, nor the energy, to pull myself out of this funk. Looking around at everything that needs to be done just puts me in such a sour mood. I try to pysch myself out and push myself to get moving, but end up just falling back feeling defeated. I'm extremely irritable and my mood swings are so unpredictable lately that I'm starting to get on my own nerves. Everything seems to be falling apart right before my very eyes. I'm no longer feeling determined or adventurous. I'd rather just waste the days away doing absolutely nothing. I'm losing faith in myself, Slim. And forget about hope. It just all seems so hopeless. I can almost feel my dream slipping through my fingers and I don't have the strength to hold on to it anymore. I'm losing the will to go on, Slim. Help me.

Love,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 11

Oh Slim, I think I've made a very big mistake. Do you remember how I told you before that I was going to tell the story? Well, I sent someone a rough draft of it, and now I'm regretting doing so. I wanted someone to hear it before I went public with it. Someone near and dear to my heart. I didn't want it's online publication to be the very first time the story was ever told. I thought sending it to him first would ease my anxiety over putting it all out there. What if he thinks less of me now, Slim? Not that he really thinks much of me anyway, but still. One of the main reasons I've kept this secret was because I didn't want anyone to see how damaged I am, how un-whole. On the other hand, I decided I would submit it because I wanted to be free from the demon. Now I'm wondering if I'll ever be free again. That demon has a stranglehold on me, Slim. Why did you do this to me? I would've hung the moon and stars for you, yet you managed to extinguish their bright lights from my life forever. This isn't fair. I now once again grapple with the decision to let him go. If you love something, let it go, right? Leave him be, knowing he holds possession of my deep, dark secret. Dammit Slimmy!

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 10

Hi Slim,

Just wanted to pop in real quick and let you know I've made a decision. I'm not going to fight it anymore, I'm accepting things for what they are. This is obviously the life that's been laid out for me and no matter how much it hurts, I really don't believe it will ever change. I'm going forward with my plans...you know the ones...and have already started thinking about the details. I'm tired and weary of holding on to hope, and honestly think that there isn't much hope left. If this is how it has to be, then so be it. I have a very long wait ahead of me, but I pray it will all be worth it. I'll keep you posted on the details.

Love,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 9

Hey,

I'm feeling a bit lonely, Slim. I've got all these crazy, mixed up feelings of anger, excitement, apprehension, sadness (to name a few) and am ready to explode. You're the only one I trust with any of this. Pretty sad, huh? I felt the most comfortable with you, and never felt afraid to express myself. Now I'm afraid to open my mouth to anyone about how I feel. I tried that recently, and look where it got me. Looking foolish and regretting uttering a single word. You're the only one who ever cared, Slim....well, at least you seemed to care before all of that happened. I just wish I had someone I could call when I'm feeling this way. Someone who will take the time to lend an ear, offer words of encouragement, be supportive, and tell me it's all going to be ok. Someone I could go to when no words are necessary, just a big old bear hug will suffice. Why have I been left all alone, Slim? Do you think you can find out for me? I want to believe there's a reason for all of this, I really do. But right now I can't.

Thanks,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 8

My dear Slim,

I've taken on a new project. One that I've never, ever considered taking on before, and one that I never discuss with anyone. You know what I'm talking about don't you, Slim? It's THE story. The one I've hidden deep down inside of me all these years. The one that's left me permanently scarred. The one that shattered my heart, my spirit, my world. The one I still have not recovered from. That's right my man, I'm telling that story for everyone to hear. I'm terrified and excited at the same time. I figure that maybe if I open up about it, let it all out, I can finally find some closure. After all it is still an open wound, still seeping blood, still breeding infection. Maybe telling the story out loud will be like sutures closing that wound, finally allowing it to heal. What do you think, Slimmy? I'm about to tell the whole wide world about the pain and suffering, the heartache and misery, the death and destruction. Will it rip through your cold heart to hear me tell it the way it will rip through my soul? I know this is something I need to do. In fact, I should've done it a long time ago. I'm still scared, Slim, but I've always been scared. That's nothing new.

Love,
J

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 7

Hey Slimmy, loooong time no chat, huh? Well from where you sit I know you can see what's been happening with me. I can only imagine how you feel about it all. I've tried to do things differently, and I'm sorry to say I've failed miserably and you were right all along. It's time for me to surrender Slim, so I'm laying my sorry self at your feet. I can no longer pretend I can control it. My fears have come to light. Everything I tried so hard to avoid has come full circle and is slapping me in the face. I've abandoned all hope that my heart will realize what it's been longing for for so long. The empty hole has grown so large so that it consumes my entire being. So I'm through. Yes Slim, I'm waving the white flag. Throwing in the towel. Calling it quits. I've given all I've got, and I'm spent. I just can't fight this battle anymore. My body, mind, and soul is tired. My spirit is broken and bruised. Irreparable damage has been done, and I no longer have the will to fix it. I can't even bend down to TRY and pick up the pieces. Yeah, things are that bad, Slim, and I can't go on thinking that everything's going to be ok. I'm convinced things will never be ok again. So I accept things for what they are, and admit that I'm not strong enough, or good enough, to change them. This is the life I was given. And I guess the life I must lead until that sweet, sweet peace comes for me. I love you.