Hey Slim.
I am so, so tired.
I'm tired of arrogant, self-centered people.
I'm tired of hearing about others' good fortune and not being able to tell of my own.
I'm tired of not having good fortune of my own.
I'm tired of being lonely.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being ugly.
I'm tired of not being able to pursue MY passion.
I'm tired of having to deal with the daily stress.
I'm tired of being a single parent.
I'm tired of the lack of support.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong. Anywhere.
I'm tired of not being good enough.
I'm tired of the sorrow and sadness.
I'm tired of the tears.
I'm tired of pretending that everything's fine.
I'm tired of living in this two bit town.
I'm tired of loving those who don't reciprocate.
I'm tired of thinking life will get better.
I'm tired of having too much to do and too little time to do it all.
I'm tired of hoping, and dreaming, and praying, and wishing.
I'm tired of hanging on.
J
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Hear My Voice
I am a survivor of domestic abuse and have told my story here. When I first stumbled upon Violence UnSilenced and read through the stories of those survivors brave enough to tell them, I felt inspired to reveal my secret and tell my story as well. It took me months to put the story into words. I kept rethinking what I was writing and couldn’t decide which parts I wanted to keep in and which I wanted left out. After finally finishing my draft, I then struggled for many more months with whether or not I actually wanted to submit my story. After all, it was something I held in for years, never telling anyone because I felt ashamed and embarrassed. So I went back to the site and read the stories of other survivors over and over again, and decided that I wanted to be just as courageous as them. I wanted to stand up and say “I have a story, too.” So this is it. My secret, my story.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 15
Hey Slim,
Well as you can see, alot has been happening with me. Some exciting stuff, some mediocre stuff, and some real heart breaking stuff. I've come to the realization that I need to accept life unconditionally. It is what it is, and I must accept things as they come. Make the best of things as they are, and try my damndest to live life to the fullest. It's easier said than done, I know, but I need to trust in the Creator and let Him guide my path. You know I gave up religion years ago, Slim, but I still consider myself to be spiritual. I pray, though not as often as I should. Maybe the time has come for me to sit and have a good long talk with that great God in the sky, put all my worries and cares in His hands, and let Him do with them as He pleases. Father knows best, right? So...I'd love to get your take on all that's been happening. What do you think of my plans and goals and dreams and hopes? I still have dreams you know, Slimmy. I dream of success and happiness. I dream that someday all of the heartache and sorrow will be so far behind me...a distant, faded memory not worth the time or energy it takes to dwell on it, not even for a second. I dream that my broken, shattered heart will mend completely and I will once again feel whole and complete. I dream that all the suffering and misery will make way to contentment and peace. Tell me it's possible, Slim. Tell me I'm not holding on to hope that isn't really there. Tell me that through all of the darkness and struggles and hardships there is light and I just need to keep reaching for it. I desperately need to know that, Slim. I need to know that all of this will make me stronger and wiser. I need to know my dreams will come true.
Well as you can see, alot has been happening with me. Some exciting stuff, some mediocre stuff, and some real heart breaking stuff. I've come to the realization that I need to accept life unconditionally. It is what it is, and I must accept things as they come. Make the best of things as they are, and try my damndest to live life to the fullest. It's easier said than done, I know, but I need to trust in the Creator and let Him guide my path. You know I gave up religion years ago, Slim, but I still consider myself to be spiritual. I pray, though not as often as I should. Maybe the time has come for me to sit and have a good long talk with that great God in the sky, put all my worries and cares in His hands, and let Him do with them as He pleases. Father knows best, right? So...I'd love to get your take on all that's been happening. What do you think of my plans and goals and dreams and hopes? I still have dreams you know, Slimmy. I dream of success and happiness. I dream that someday all of the heartache and sorrow will be so far behind me...a distant, faded memory not worth the time or energy it takes to dwell on it, not even for a second. I dream that my broken, shattered heart will mend completely and I will once again feel whole and complete. I dream that all the suffering and misery will make way to contentment and peace. Tell me it's possible, Slim. Tell me I'm not holding on to hope that isn't really there. Tell me that through all of the darkness and struggles and hardships there is light and I just need to keep reaching for it. I desperately need to know that, Slim. I need to know that all of this will make me stronger and wiser. I need to know my dreams will come true.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 14
Hey Slim,
I wish I could get your take on everything that's been going on. I know you're watching, and hope that others (you know who I mean) are watching, too. At a crossroads I stand, debating which way to go. One way could lead to mass destruction, and possibly death. The other could lead me down a slick, icy slope. Standing still, choosing neither, really sounds like the best course right now. Eventually, though, circumstances will force me to choose. I never thought life would turn out like this, Slim. Does everything really happen for a reason? I mean seriously, there can't possibly be any good reason why I deal with this drama day in and day out. What a burden that's been placed on me!! We all have our cross to bear, and mine bears the weight of the world...and then some! Where do I find the answers to all of my burning questions? Heck, I'd be happy with just a little guidance. I don't understand it, Slim. I don't understand why I was chosen to get battered like this. How do I deserve this?
I wish I could get your take on everything that's been going on. I know you're watching, and hope that others (you know who I mean) are watching, too. At a crossroads I stand, debating which way to go. One way could lead to mass destruction, and possibly death. The other could lead me down a slick, icy slope. Standing still, choosing neither, really sounds like the best course right now. Eventually, though, circumstances will force me to choose. I never thought life would turn out like this, Slim. Does everything really happen for a reason? I mean seriously, there can't possibly be any good reason why I deal with this drama day in and day out. What a burden that's been placed on me!! We all have our cross to bear, and mine bears the weight of the world...and then some! Where do I find the answers to all of my burning questions? Heck, I'd be happy with just a little guidance. I don't understand it, Slim. I don't understand why I was chosen to get battered like this. How do I deserve this?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 13
Happy 45th Birthday Slim!
Ever since that fateful day almost seven years ago, your birthday has been bittersweet for me. Today always marks the start of "The Stretch," that period of time from now through New Year's Day when a barrage of emotions courses through me like bullets, one after the other, leaving gaping holes in my soul. From happiness to sadness to anger to resentment to loneliness. And of course there's the guilt. The guilt of knowing I was never enough of a wife, a mother, a woman. I will feel the full impact of all these emotions for the next several months. Through the holidays which I will undoubtedly spend alone, again, until New Year's Day when I will once again resolve to put my life in perspective.
The Stretch has been killing me slowly, Slim. It steals a little more breath from my life each year. This time I promised myself that your birthday would be just that: the day that celebrates your birth and nothing more. I promised myself I would not let it be the beginning of a four month crying jag but a twenty four hour period where I will keep you in my thoughts with only the good memories. Yeah, right. I woke up this morning feeling as if I'd been hit by a truck. How can the pain still feel so fresh and new after all these years? It's never going to get any easier will it, Slim? No, probably not. So this year instead of fighting it I'm giving in to The Stretch. Embracing it, if you will. I'm going to allow myself to feel each and every one of those emotions and, as usual, I'm going to do it all alone. Will I emerge stronger on January 2? Probably not. But I hope I will at least feel a little better.
I Will Always Love You.
J
Ever since that fateful day almost seven years ago, your birthday has been bittersweet for me. Today always marks the start of "The Stretch," that period of time from now through New Year's Day when a barrage of emotions courses through me like bullets, one after the other, leaving gaping holes in my soul. From happiness to sadness to anger to resentment to loneliness. And of course there's the guilt. The guilt of knowing I was never enough of a wife, a mother, a woman. I will feel the full impact of all these emotions for the next several months. Through the holidays which I will undoubtedly spend alone, again, until New Year's Day when I will once again resolve to put my life in perspective.
The Stretch has been killing me slowly, Slim. It steals a little more breath from my life each year. This time I promised myself that your birthday would be just that: the day that celebrates your birth and nothing more. I promised myself I would not let it be the beginning of a four month crying jag but a twenty four hour period where I will keep you in my thoughts with only the good memories. Yeah, right. I woke up this morning feeling as if I'd been hit by a truck. How can the pain still feel so fresh and new after all these years? It's never going to get any easier will it, Slim? No, probably not. So this year instead of fighting it I'm giving in to The Stretch. Embracing it, if you will. I'm going to allow myself to feel each and every one of those emotions and, as usual, I'm going to do it all alone. Will I emerge stronger on January 2? Probably not. But I hope I will at least feel a little better.
I Will Always Love You.
J
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 12
Dear Slim,
I'm feeling so lost right now and don't know where to turn. I'm losing interest in the things I love most and can't find the motivation, nor the energy, to pull myself out of this funk. Looking around at everything that needs to be done just puts me in such a sour mood. I try to pysch myself out and push myself to get moving, but end up just falling back feeling defeated. I'm extremely irritable and my mood swings are so unpredictable lately that I'm starting to get on my own nerves. Everything seems to be falling apart right before my very eyes. I'm no longer feeling determined or adventurous. I'd rather just waste the days away doing absolutely nothing. I'm losing faith in myself, Slim. And forget about hope. It just all seems so hopeless. I can almost feel my dream slipping through my fingers and I don't have the strength to hold on to it anymore. I'm losing the will to go on, Slim. Help me.
Love,
J
I'm feeling so lost right now and don't know where to turn. I'm losing interest in the things I love most and can't find the motivation, nor the energy, to pull myself out of this funk. Looking around at everything that needs to be done just puts me in such a sour mood. I try to pysch myself out and push myself to get moving, but end up just falling back feeling defeated. I'm extremely irritable and my mood swings are so unpredictable lately that I'm starting to get on my own nerves. Everything seems to be falling apart right before my very eyes. I'm no longer feeling determined or adventurous. I'd rather just waste the days away doing absolutely nothing. I'm losing faith in myself, Slim. And forget about hope. It just all seems so hopeless. I can almost feel my dream slipping through my fingers and I don't have the strength to hold on to it anymore. I'm losing the will to go on, Slim. Help me.
Love,
J
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 11
Oh Slim, I think I've made a very big mistake. Do you remember how I told you before that I was going to tell the story? Well, I sent someone a rough draft of it, and now I'm regretting doing so. I wanted someone to hear it before I went public with it. Someone near and dear to my heart. I didn't want it's online publication to be the very first time the story was ever told. I thought sending it to him first would ease my anxiety over putting it all out there. What if he thinks less of me now, Slim? Not that he really thinks much of me anyway, but still. One of the main reasons I've kept this secret was because I didn't want anyone to see how damaged I am, how un-whole. On the other hand, I decided I would submit it because I wanted to be free from the demon. Now I'm wondering if I'll ever be free again. That demon has a stranglehold on me, Slim. Why did you do this to me? I would've hung the moon and stars for you, yet you managed to extinguish their bright lights from my life forever. This isn't fair. I now once again grapple with the decision to let him go. If you love something, let it go, right? Leave him be, knowing he holds possession of my deep, dark secret. Dammit Slimmy!
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