Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 17

Dear Slim,

I think I was given another "sign" last night, and I'm pretty sure I now fully understand what's in store. It's been my suspicion all along, but I never really wanted to believe it. I'm giving in, Slim. No longer will I believe that it's just my imagination or that I'm overreacting. Things have become much, much clearer. It's been a long, hard fight and I'm exhausted. I've been beat down, put down, and let down, and now there's nothing left for me to do but stay down. All hope is lost and I cannot rely on faith anymore. Determination used to be the driving force that kept me pushing on but I've lost that, too. I fold, Slimmy. I tried and tried but there's just no winning this battle. I am weak and I am spent. I will walk this long, dark, never ending tunnel alone, never again searching for the light at the end.

Love,
J

Precious Pain

Everybody's got a hunger
No matter where they are
Everybody clings to their own fear
Everybody hides some scar

Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain

Everybody's got a reason
To abandon their plan
How can I think of tomorrow
With my sorrow in hand

Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain

Each road that I walk down
Reminds me of you
This whole town is haunted
There'll never be anything new

Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain

-Melissa Etheridge, "Precious Pain"

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 16

Hey Slim.
I am so, so tired.
I'm tired of arrogant, self-centered people.
I'm tired of hearing about others' good fortune and not being able to tell of my own.
I'm tired of not having good fortune of my own.
I'm tired of being lonely.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being ugly.
I'm tired of not being able to pursue MY passion.
I'm tired of having to deal with the daily stress.
I'm tired of being a single parent.
I'm tired of the lack of support.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong. Anywhere.
I'm tired of not being good enough.
I'm tired of the sorrow and sadness.
I'm tired of the tears.
I'm tired of pretending that everything's fine.
I'm tired of living in this two bit town.
I'm tired of loving those who don't reciprocate.
I'm tired of thinking life will get better.
I'm tired of having too much to do and too little time to do it all.
I'm tired of hoping, and dreaming, and praying, and wishing.
I'm tired of hanging on.

J

Hear My Voice

I am a survivor of domestic abuse and have told my story here. When I first stumbled upon Violence UnSilenced and read through the stories of those survivors brave enough to tell them, I felt inspired to reveal my secret and tell my story as well. It took me months to put the story into words. I kept rethinking what I was writing and couldn’t decide which parts I wanted to keep in and which I wanted left out. After finally finishing my draft, I then struggled for many more months with whether or not I actually wanted to submit my story. After all, it was something I held in for years, never telling anyone because I felt ashamed and embarrassed. So I went back to the site and read the stories of other survivors over and over again, and decided that I wanted to be just as courageous as them. I wanted to stand up and say “I have a story, too.” So this is it. My secret, my story.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 15

Hey Slim,

Well as you can see, alot has been happening with me. Some exciting stuff, some mediocre stuff, and some real heart breaking stuff. I've come to the realization that I need to accept life unconditionally. It is what it is, and I must accept things as they come. Make the best of things as they are, and try my damndest to live life to the fullest. It's easier said than done, I know, but I need to trust in the Creator and let Him guide my path. You know I gave up religion years ago, Slim, but I still consider myself to be spiritual. I pray, though not as often as I should. Maybe the time has come for me to sit and have a good long talk with that great God in the sky, put all my worries and cares in His hands, and let Him do with them as He pleases. Father knows best, right? So...I'd love to get your take on all that's been happening. What do you think of my plans and goals and dreams and hopes? I still have dreams you know, Slimmy. I dream of success and happiness. I dream that someday all of the heartache and sorrow will be so far behind me...a distant, faded memory not worth the time or energy it takes to dwell on it, not even for a second. I dream that my broken, shattered heart will mend completely and I will once again feel whole and complete. I dream that all the suffering and misery will make way to contentment and peace. Tell me it's possible, Slim. Tell me I'm not holding on to hope that isn't really there. Tell me that through all of the darkness and struggles and hardships there is light and I just need to keep reaching for it. I desperately need to know that, Slim. I need to know that all of this will make me stronger and wiser. I need to know my dreams will come true.

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 14

Hey Slim,

I wish I could get your take on everything that's been going on. I know you're watching, and hope that others (you know who I mean) are watching, too. At a crossroads I stand, debating which way to go. One way could lead to mass destruction, and possibly death. The other could lead me down a slick, icy slope. Standing still, choosing neither, really sounds like the best course right now. Eventually, though, circumstances will force me to choose. I never thought life would turn out like this, Slim. Does everything really happen for a reason? I mean seriously, there can't possibly be any good reason why I deal with this drama day in and day out. What a burden that's been placed on me!! We all have our cross to bear, and mine bears the weight of the world...and then some! Where do I find the answers to all of my burning questions? Heck, I'd be happy with just a little guidance. I don't understand it, Slim. I don't understand why I was chosen to get battered like this. How do I deserve this?

Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 13

Happy 45th Birthday Slim!

Ever since that fateful day almost seven years ago, your birthday has been bittersweet for me. Today always marks the start of "The Stretch," that period of time from now through New Year's Day when a barrage of emotions courses through me like bullets, one after the other, leaving gaping holes in my soul. From happiness to sadness to anger to resentment to loneliness. And of course there's the guilt. The guilt of knowing I was never enough of a wife, a mother, a woman. I will feel the full impact of all these emotions for the next several months. Through the holidays which I will undoubtedly spend alone, again, until New Year's Day when I will once again resolve to put my life in perspective.

The Stretch has been killing me slowly, Slim. It steals a little more breath from my life each year. This time I promised myself that your birthday would be just that: the day that celebrates your birth and nothing more. I promised myself I would not let it be the beginning of a four month crying jag but a twenty four hour period where I will keep you in my thoughts with only the good memories. Yeah, right. I woke up this morning feeling as if I'd been hit by a truck. How can the pain still feel so fresh and new after all these years? It's never going to get any easier will it, Slim? No, probably not. So this year instead of fighting it I'm giving in to The Stretch. Embracing it, if you will. I'm going to allow myself to feel each and every one of those emotions and, as usual, I'm going to do it all alone. Will I emerge stronger on January 2? Probably not. But I hope I will at least feel a little better.

I Will Always Love You.

J