Dear Slim,
I think I was given another "sign" last night, and I'm pretty sure I now fully understand what's in store. It's been my suspicion all along, but I never really wanted to believe it. I'm giving in, Slim. No longer will I believe that it's just my imagination or that I'm overreacting. Things have become much, much clearer. It's been a long, hard fight and I'm exhausted. I've been beat down, put down, and let down, and now there's nothing left for me to do but stay down. All hope is lost and I cannot rely on faith anymore. Determination used to be the driving force that kept me pushing on but I've lost that, too. I fold, Slimmy. I tried and tried but there's just no winning this battle. I am weak and I am spent. I will walk this long, dark, never ending tunnel alone, never again searching for the light at the end.
Love,
J
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Precious Pain
Everybody's got a hunger
No matter where they are
Everybody clings to their own fear
Everybody hides some scar
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
Everybody's got a reason
To abandon their plan
How can I think of tomorrow
With my sorrow in hand
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
Each road that I walk down
Reminds me of you
This whole town is haunted
There'll never be anything new
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
-Melissa Etheridge, "Precious Pain"
No matter where they are
Everybody clings to their own fear
Everybody hides some scar
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
Everybody's got a reason
To abandon their plan
How can I think of tomorrow
With my sorrow in hand
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
Each road that I walk down
Reminds me of you
This whole town is haunted
There'll never be anything new
Precious pain
Empty and cold but it keeps me alive
I gave it my soul so that I could survive
Keeping me safe in these chains
Precious pain
-Melissa Etheridge, "Precious Pain"
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 16
Hey Slim.
I am so, so tired.
I'm tired of arrogant, self-centered people.
I'm tired of hearing about others' good fortune and not being able to tell of my own.
I'm tired of not having good fortune of my own.
I'm tired of being lonely.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being ugly.
I'm tired of not being able to pursue MY passion.
I'm tired of having to deal with the daily stress.
I'm tired of being a single parent.
I'm tired of the lack of support.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong. Anywhere.
I'm tired of not being good enough.
I'm tired of the sorrow and sadness.
I'm tired of the tears.
I'm tired of pretending that everything's fine.
I'm tired of living in this two bit town.
I'm tired of loving those who don't reciprocate.
I'm tired of thinking life will get better.
I'm tired of having too much to do and too little time to do it all.
I'm tired of hoping, and dreaming, and praying, and wishing.
I'm tired of hanging on.
J
I am so, so tired.
I'm tired of arrogant, self-centered people.
I'm tired of hearing about others' good fortune and not being able to tell of my own.
I'm tired of not having good fortune of my own.
I'm tired of being lonely.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being ugly.
I'm tired of not being able to pursue MY passion.
I'm tired of having to deal with the daily stress.
I'm tired of being a single parent.
I'm tired of the lack of support.
I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong. Anywhere.
I'm tired of not being good enough.
I'm tired of the sorrow and sadness.
I'm tired of the tears.
I'm tired of pretending that everything's fine.
I'm tired of living in this two bit town.
I'm tired of loving those who don't reciprocate.
I'm tired of thinking life will get better.
I'm tired of having too much to do and too little time to do it all.
I'm tired of hoping, and dreaming, and praying, and wishing.
I'm tired of hanging on.
J
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Hear My Voice
I am a survivor of domestic abuse and have told my story here. When I first stumbled upon Violence UnSilenced and read through the stories of those survivors brave enough to tell them, I felt inspired to reveal my secret and tell my story as well. It took me months to put the story into words. I kept rethinking what I was writing and couldn’t decide which parts I wanted to keep in and which I wanted left out. After finally finishing my draft, I then struggled for many more months with whether or not I actually wanted to submit my story. After all, it was something I held in for years, never telling anyone because I felt ashamed and embarrassed. So I went back to the site and read the stories of other survivors over and over again, and decided that I wanted to be just as courageous as them. I wanted to stand up and say “I have a story, too.” So this is it. My secret, my story.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 15
Hey Slim,
Well as you can see, alot has been happening with me. Some exciting stuff, some mediocre stuff, and some real heart breaking stuff. I've come to the realization that I need to accept life unconditionally. It is what it is, and I must accept things as they come. Make the best of things as they are, and try my damndest to live life to the fullest. It's easier said than done, I know, but I need to trust in the Creator and let Him guide my path. You know I gave up religion years ago, Slim, but I still consider myself to be spiritual. I pray, though not as often as I should. Maybe the time has come for me to sit and have a good long talk with that great God in the sky, put all my worries and cares in His hands, and let Him do with them as He pleases. Father knows best, right? So...I'd love to get your take on all that's been happening. What do you think of my plans and goals and dreams and hopes? I still have dreams you know, Slimmy. I dream of success and happiness. I dream that someday all of the heartache and sorrow will be so far behind me...a distant, faded memory not worth the time or energy it takes to dwell on it, not even for a second. I dream that my broken, shattered heart will mend completely and I will once again feel whole and complete. I dream that all the suffering and misery will make way to contentment and peace. Tell me it's possible, Slim. Tell me I'm not holding on to hope that isn't really there. Tell me that through all of the darkness and struggles and hardships there is light and I just need to keep reaching for it. I desperately need to know that, Slim. I need to know that all of this will make me stronger and wiser. I need to know my dreams will come true.
Well as you can see, alot has been happening with me. Some exciting stuff, some mediocre stuff, and some real heart breaking stuff. I've come to the realization that I need to accept life unconditionally. It is what it is, and I must accept things as they come. Make the best of things as they are, and try my damndest to live life to the fullest. It's easier said than done, I know, but I need to trust in the Creator and let Him guide my path. You know I gave up religion years ago, Slim, but I still consider myself to be spiritual. I pray, though not as often as I should. Maybe the time has come for me to sit and have a good long talk with that great God in the sky, put all my worries and cares in His hands, and let Him do with them as He pleases. Father knows best, right? So...I'd love to get your take on all that's been happening. What do you think of my plans and goals and dreams and hopes? I still have dreams you know, Slimmy. I dream of success and happiness. I dream that someday all of the heartache and sorrow will be so far behind me...a distant, faded memory not worth the time or energy it takes to dwell on it, not even for a second. I dream that my broken, shattered heart will mend completely and I will once again feel whole and complete. I dream that all the suffering and misery will make way to contentment and peace. Tell me it's possible, Slim. Tell me I'm not holding on to hope that isn't really there. Tell me that through all of the darkness and struggles and hardships there is light and I just need to keep reaching for it. I desperately need to know that, Slim. I need to know that all of this will make me stronger and wiser. I need to know my dreams will come true.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 14
Hey Slim,
I wish I could get your take on everything that's been going on. I know you're watching, and hope that others (you know who I mean) are watching, too. At a crossroads I stand, debating which way to go. One way could lead to mass destruction, and possibly death. The other could lead me down a slick, icy slope. Standing still, choosing neither, really sounds like the best course right now. Eventually, though, circumstances will force me to choose. I never thought life would turn out like this, Slim. Does everything really happen for a reason? I mean seriously, there can't possibly be any good reason why I deal with this drama day in and day out. What a burden that's been placed on me!! We all have our cross to bear, and mine bears the weight of the world...and then some! Where do I find the answers to all of my burning questions? Heck, I'd be happy with just a little guidance. I don't understand it, Slim. I don't understand why I was chosen to get battered like this. How do I deserve this?
I wish I could get your take on everything that's been going on. I know you're watching, and hope that others (you know who I mean) are watching, too. At a crossroads I stand, debating which way to go. One way could lead to mass destruction, and possibly death. The other could lead me down a slick, icy slope. Standing still, choosing neither, really sounds like the best course right now. Eventually, though, circumstances will force me to choose. I never thought life would turn out like this, Slim. Does everything really happen for a reason? I mean seriously, there can't possibly be any good reason why I deal with this drama day in and day out. What a burden that's been placed on me!! We all have our cross to bear, and mine bears the weight of the world...and then some! Where do I find the answers to all of my burning questions? Heck, I'd be happy with just a little guidance. I don't understand it, Slim. I don't understand why I was chosen to get battered like this. How do I deserve this?
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 13
Happy 45th Birthday Slim!
Ever since that fateful day almost seven years ago, your birthday has been bittersweet for me. Today always marks the start of "The Stretch," that period of time from now through New Year's Day when a barrage of emotions courses through me like bullets, one after the other, leaving gaping holes in my soul. From happiness to sadness to anger to resentment to loneliness. And of course there's the guilt. The guilt of knowing I was never enough of a wife, a mother, a woman. I will feel the full impact of all these emotions for the next several months. Through the holidays which I will undoubtedly spend alone, again, until New Year's Day when I will once again resolve to put my life in perspective.
The Stretch has been killing me slowly, Slim. It steals a little more breath from my life each year. This time I promised myself that your birthday would be just that: the day that celebrates your birth and nothing more. I promised myself I would not let it be the beginning of a four month crying jag but a twenty four hour period where I will keep you in my thoughts with only the good memories. Yeah, right. I woke up this morning feeling as if I'd been hit by a truck. How can the pain still feel so fresh and new after all these years? It's never going to get any easier will it, Slim? No, probably not. So this year instead of fighting it I'm giving in to The Stretch. Embracing it, if you will. I'm going to allow myself to feel each and every one of those emotions and, as usual, I'm going to do it all alone. Will I emerge stronger on January 2? Probably not. But I hope I will at least feel a little better.
I Will Always Love You.
J
Ever since that fateful day almost seven years ago, your birthday has been bittersweet for me. Today always marks the start of "The Stretch," that period of time from now through New Year's Day when a barrage of emotions courses through me like bullets, one after the other, leaving gaping holes in my soul. From happiness to sadness to anger to resentment to loneliness. And of course there's the guilt. The guilt of knowing I was never enough of a wife, a mother, a woman. I will feel the full impact of all these emotions for the next several months. Through the holidays which I will undoubtedly spend alone, again, until New Year's Day when I will once again resolve to put my life in perspective.
The Stretch has been killing me slowly, Slim. It steals a little more breath from my life each year. This time I promised myself that your birthday would be just that: the day that celebrates your birth and nothing more. I promised myself I would not let it be the beginning of a four month crying jag but a twenty four hour period where I will keep you in my thoughts with only the good memories. Yeah, right. I woke up this morning feeling as if I'd been hit by a truck. How can the pain still feel so fresh and new after all these years? It's never going to get any easier will it, Slim? No, probably not. So this year instead of fighting it I'm giving in to The Stretch. Embracing it, if you will. I'm going to allow myself to feel each and every one of those emotions and, as usual, I'm going to do it all alone. Will I emerge stronger on January 2? Probably not. But I hope I will at least feel a little better.
I Will Always Love You.
J
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 12
Dear Slim,
I'm feeling so lost right now and don't know where to turn. I'm losing interest in the things I love most and can't find the motivation, nor the energy, to pull myself out of this funk. Looking around at everything that needs to be done just puts me in such a sour mood. I try to pysch myself out and push myself to get moving, but end up just falling back feeling defeated. I'm extremely irritable and my mood swings are so unpredictable lately that I'm starting to get on my own nerves. Everything seems to be falling apart right before my very eyes. I'm no longer feeling determined or adventurous. I'd rather just waste the days away doing absolutely nothing. I'm losing faith in myself, Slim. And forget about hope. It just all seems so hopeless. I can almost feel my dream slipping through my fingers and I don't have the strength to hold on to it anymore. I'm losing the will to go on, Slim. Help me.
Love,
J
I'm feeling so lost right now and don't know where to turn. I'm losing interest in the things I love most and can't find the motivation, nor the energy, to pull myself out of this funk. Looking around at everything that needs to be done just puts me in such a sour mood. I try to pysch myself out and push myself to get moving, but end up just falling back feeling defeated. I'm extremely irritable and my mood swings are so unpredictable lately that I'm starting to get on my own nerves. Everything seems to be falling apart right before my very eyes. I'm no longer feeling determined or adventurous. I'd rather just waste the days away doing absolutely nothing. I'm losing faith in myself, Slim. And forget about hope. It just all seems so hopeless. I can almost feel my dream slipping through my fingers and I don't have the strength to hold on to it anymore. I'm losing the will to go on, Slim. Help me.
Love,
J
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 11
Oh Slim, I think I've made a very big mistake. Do you remember how I told you before that I was going to tell the story? Well, I sent someone a rough draft of it, and now I'm regretting doing so. I wanted someone to hear it before I went public with it. Someone near and dear to my heart. I didn't want it's online publication to be the very first time the story was ever told. I thought sending it to him first would ease my anxiety over putting it all out there. What if he thinks less of me now, Slim? Not that he really thinks much of me anyway, but still. One of the main reasons I've kept this secret was because I didn't want anyone to see how damaged I am, how un-whole. On the other hand, I decided I would submit it because I wanted to be free from the demon. Now I'm wondering if I'll ever be free again. That demon has a stranglehold on me, Slim. Why did you do this to me? I would've hung the moon and stars for you, yet you managed to extinguish their bright lights from my life forever. This isn't fair. I now once again grapple with the decision to let him go. If you love something, let it go, right? Leave him be, knowing he holds possession of my deep, dark secret. Dammit Slimmy!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 10
Hi Slim,
Just wanted to pop in real quick and let you know I've made a decision. I'm not going to fight it anymore, I'm accepting things for what they are. This is obviously the life that's been laid out for me and no matter how much it hurts, I really don't believe it will ever change. I'm going forward with my plans...you know the ones...and have already started thinking about the details. I'm tired and weary of holding on to hope, and honestly think that there isn't much hope left. If this is how it has to be, then so be it. I have a very long wait ahead of me, but I pray it will all be worth it. I'll keep you posted on the details.
Love,
J
Just wanted to pop in real quick and let you know I've made a decision. I'm not going to fight it anymore, I'm accepting things for what they are. This is obviously the life that's been laid out for me and no matter how much it hurts, I really don't believe it will ever change. I'm going forward with my plans...you know the ones...and have already started thinking about the details. I'm tired and weary of holding on to hope, and honestly think that there isn't much hope left. If this is how it has to be, then so be it. I have a very long wait ahead of me, but I pray it will all be worth it. I'll keep you posted on the details.
Love,
J
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 9
Hey,
I'm feeling a bit lonely, Slim. I've got all these crazy, mixed up feelings of anger, excitement, apprehension, sadness (to name a few) and am ready to explode. You're the only one I trust with any of this. Pretty sad, huh? I felt the most comfortable with you, and never felt afraid to express myself. Now I'm afraid to open my mouth to anyone about how I feel. I tried that recently, and look where it got me. Looking foolish and regretting uttering a single word. You're the only one who ever cared, Slim....well, at least you seemed to care before all of that happened. I just wish I had someone I could call when I'm feeling this way. Someone who will take the time to lend an ear, offer words of encouragement, be supportive, and tell me it's all going to be ok. Someone I could go to when no words are necessary, just a big old bear hug will suffice. Why have I been left all alone, Slim? Do you think you can find out for me? I want to believe there's a reason for all of this, I really do. But right now I can't.
Thanks,
J
I'm feeling a bit lonely, Slim. I've got all these crazy, mixed up feelings of anger, excitement, apprehension, sadness (to name a few) and am ready to explode. You're the only one I trust with any of this. Pretty sad, huh? I felt the most comfortable with you, and never felt afraid to express myself. Now I'm afraid to open my mouth to anyone about how I feel. I tried that recently, and look where it got me. Looking foolish and regretting uttering a single word. You're the only one who ever cared, Slim....well, at least you seemed to care before all of that happened. I just wish I had someone I could call when I'm feeling this way. Someone who will take the time to lend an ear, offer words of encouragement, be supportive, and tell me it's all going to be ok. Someone I could go to when no words are necessary, just a big old bear hug will suffice. Why have I been left all alone, Slim? Do you think you can find out for me? I want to believe there's a reason for all of this, I really do. But right now I can't.
Thanks,
J
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 8
My dear Slim,
I've taken on a new project. One that I've never, ever considered taking on before, and one that I never discuss with anyone. You know what I'm talking about don't you, Slim? It's THE story. The one I've hidden deep down inside of me all these years. The one that's left me permanently scarred. The one that shattered my heart, my spirit, my world. The one I still have not recovered from. That's right my man, I'm telling that story for everyone to hear. I'm terrified and excited at the same time. I figure that maybe if I open up about it, let it all out, I can finally find some closure. After all it is still an open wound, still seeping blood, still breeding infection. Maybe telling the story out loud will be like sutures closing that wound, finally allowing it to heal. What do you think, Slimmy? I'm about to tell the whole wide world about the pain and suffering, the heartache and misery, the death and destruction. Will it rip through your cold heart to hear me tell it the way it will rip through my soul? I know this is something I need to do. In fact, I should've done it a long time ago. I'm still scared, Slim, but I've always been scared. That's nothing new.
Love,
J
I've taken on a new project. One that I've never, ever considered taking on before, and one that I never discuss with anyone. You know what I'm talking about don't you, Slim? It's THE story. The one I've hidden deep down inside of me all these years. The one that's left me permanently scarred. The one that shattered my heart, my spirit, my world. The one I still have not recovered from. That's right my man, I'm telling that story for everyone to hear. I'm terrified and excited at the same time. I figure that maybe if I open up about it, let it all out, I can finally find some closure. After all it is still an open wound, still seeping blood, still breeding infection. Maybe telling the story out loud will be like sutures closing that wound, finally allowing it to heal. What do you think, Slimmy? I'm about to tell the whole wide world about the pain and suffering, the heartache and misery, the death and destruction. Will it rip through your cold heart to hear me tell it the way it will rip through my soul? I know this is something I need to do. In fact, I should've done it a long time ago. I'm still scared, Slim, but I've always been scared. That's nothing new.
Love,
J
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Letters to Slimmy, Chapter 7
Hey Slimmy, loooong time no chat, huh? Well from where you sit I know you can see what's been happening with me. I can only imagine how you feel about it all. I've tried to do things differently, and I'm sorry to say I've failed miserably and you were right all along. It's time for me to surrender Slim, so I'm laying my sorry self at your feet. I can no longer pretend I can control it. My fears have come to light. Everything I tried so hard to avoid has come full circle and is slapping me in the face. I've abandoned all hope that my heart will realize what it's been longing for for so long. The empty hole has grown so large so that it consumes my entire being. So I'm through. Yes Slim, I'm waving the white flag. Throwing in the towel. Calling it quits. I've given all I've got, and I'm spent. I just can't fight this battle anymore. My body, mind, and soul is tired. My spirit is broken and bruised. Irreparable damage has been done, and I no longer have the will to fix it. I can't even bend down to TRY and pick up the pieces. Yeah, things are that bad, Slim, and I can't go on thinking that everything's going to be ok. I'm convinced things will never be ok again. So I accept things for what they are, and admit that I'm not strong enough, or good enough, to change them. This is the life I was given. And I guess the life I must lead until that sweet, sweet peace comes for me. I love you.
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